Blocked.

I said goodnight a while ago. I know. I'm back. I'm here to talk about my misplaced flair. In my previous post I told you guys, "I can't even write a good piece anymore". I don't know. Nowadays, I'm myself but I'm not myself. I'm the happiest I've ever been but I get so sad sometimes and it scares the bejesis out of me. I think about things I should be thinking about. My father. I miss him. I miss his hugs. I miss him commanding me. I miss his presence. I miss him making me really pissed. I miss watching him take his insulin shots. No, he didn't die from diabetes. I miss him coming to tell me sorry after yelling at me and making me cry. I miss him travelling and buying me stuff. Each time I think about how much I miss him, I miss him more. I think about other things, way personal things. And the sadness fills my spirit. I sink in it. Literally. Last year or so, I liked the sadness. I got used to it. It was like getting into a relationship with someone you had absolutely zero feelings for and developing deep intimate feelings for them later in the relationship. That's how it was for me. I got used to the sadness. The darkness. It became a part of me. It became me. But recently, there's been some conflict. Some months ago, about 8 or so, I got rid of that sadness. I just woke up and broke up with it. When I let it go, I had nothing. My being was empty. It was like I started over. Some sort of fresh start. And then I got used to joy. Just joy. When sadness would come knocking I wouldn't know what to say to it. It became a stranger.
... And now. I am lost. My brain hurts a lot. It hurts a lot too often. I am really happy. And I fear. Each time I get this happy, the sadness tries to creep back in. I fight it ofcourse. But I don't know ... How much longer am I going to fight ? How much longer do I want to fight ?
I don't know what this is. I would be understating it if I said I were confused. So I won't even bother. I'm just lost. This is why I've been unable to post. My posts have become rather redundant. Or maybe its just me. I doubt.
For those wondering, I am okay. I really am. I am not just saying that. I am really happy. I still miss my father. Infact, I miss him right now. I wonder how he's faring there. If he still needs to take his shots. If he misses me. Ugh I bet he does! But I am okay. I just thought I should tell you why I've been partially MIA. Its like I'm here but I'm not. It really cannot be articulated. But, I like who .. What I've become. I'm happy with the results. I'm questioning things and I'm accepting happiness. I have joy. Its not going anywhere. Even when I'm sad, I have joy. I'm okay.