'You are the worst person I have ever known!' I yell, scream, you do this to me. You and only you. You belittle me. Degrade me. Make me feel worthless. I tell myself I'm beautiful, one look from you and I believe I'm lying to myself. I go by each day hoping to never have to see you again. I've never wanted to kill somebody as I do you. You tell me silently, 'You're worthless, no one could ever love you.' I believe you. I am worthless. For the longest time, that is all I have known. I want to cut myself all the time. To feel a different kind of pain. Something to distract me from the emotional damage you have caused. I cut myself.
I cut, I remember your words, 'You ugly piece of shit. Nobody loves you.'
I cut myself deeper. Your words, 'Kill yourself alrea...'
As I continue to inflict physical pain on myself, your swords of words seem to fade away. They become blurry. I don't feel them as much. Then the wounds heal, the cuts, and I remember it all. I believe you. I am worthless. I have no purpose on this earth. If I killed myself, no one would notice. I had no friends. But, I couldn't bring myself to take my own life. I had tried. It just seemed like the impossible. I hated myself, I hated my life, but I couldn't end it.
'Kill yourself already', you say to me.
'I can't.'
'Yes you can.'
'No, I can't. I won't.'
The rage is building. I'm tired of you.
'You can. Do it already!!'
'NO!!'
I punch you. Maybe that'd send the message across. My hand breaks through the glass, I keep the broken mirror down. 

Lost One.

Its been years you passed but time hasn't made it easier,

Each time someone asks me about you, they re-open the blisters,

I'm stronger now, I dont cry on the spot anymore,

A little piece of me still breaks and out of me it tries to claw.

I push it back in tho, i dont want to be that person any longer,

But, once in a while I'm sucked back in there, the pain lingers.

My oceans of tears have become rivers and those rivers, ponds,

I've adapted to your absence and the fact that nothing can be done.

To be honest, it's still so surreal to me,

Each time I'm tortured into remembrance, i sit back in disbelief.

As i wrote this, i cried so hard because i reminded myself that you are never coming back,

But somehow, I'm okay. We'll miss you for as long as we can.

I know you're in a better place and to us you smile upon,

On this earth, your legacy i hope to carry on.

For now I'll just keep on surviving and try to remain sane,

You're gone, yes, but in my heart, forever and always you'll remain.

23 Questions.

1. Which is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you're telling he/she how you feel or looking into their eyes when he/she is telling you how they feel ?

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry ? Do you still feel the same way ?

3. You are on a plane. There is fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make just ONE phone call. Who do you call ? What do you tell them ?

4. You are at the doctor's office and he informs you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die ? What do you do with your remaining days ?

5. You can have one of the following things : Love or trust. Which do you pick ? Why ?

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you, if you are late once more, for whatever reason, you are fired. Do you take time to save the dog's life ? Why or why not ?

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most ?

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you and unfortunately you dont feel the same way. What do you (did you) do/say ?

9. Think of the last person you know that died. Perhaps, someone close to your heart. You are given the opportunity to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up 1 year of your life in return. Do you do it ? Why or why not ?

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend ?

11. Does Love = Sex ?

12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker is a single mother, has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company in her place ? Why or why not ?

13. When was the last time you told someone honestly how you felt regardless of how difficult it was to say ?  Are you still friends with the person ?

14. What would be (or what was) harder to tell the opposite sex, you love them or you dont love them back
?

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up ? Why would it be so hard to lose ?

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them ?

17. If there was one moment or time in this past year you could change, what would you change ?

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR ? Why or why not ?

19. You are holding on to your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn you dont know as they hangover the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save one. Who do you save ?

20. Are you old fashioned ?

21. When was the last time you did something nice for someone and did not expect anything back in return ?

22. Which would you choose , true love with the guarantee of a broken heart or no love at all ? Why ?

23. If you could live in just one year of your life, for the rest of your life, which year would it be ? Why?

24. You've been told you're going to die and you are all your little sister has. You're given a chance to live but at the expense of the life of your best friend. Do you take the chance ?

Please, drop your answers to any one of the questions in the comments section below. Have a lovely day. :)

"Vanessa, you're coming whether you like it or not !!"
Ughhhh. Another friday had come. You know what that was for me ? Another battle. I had ended my relationship with my boyfriend a while back and my friends were frantically trying to throw me back out there. That's of course if you'll classify 3 months as 'a while back'. I didn't want to meet anyone. Or get involved with anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I caught him cheating with his colleague and dumped him on the spot. I didn't cry or anything, I just left. It hurt but I expected it. He had been acting weird and we rarely spent time together. Anyway, my friends made it their duty to get me a new lover. And I just wasn't interested. They set me up on several blind dates. Of course I stood each and every one of them up. And every friday, they (they being my flatmates Vicky and Sarah) ,would drag me to the club with them. Persistent rats.
"But I don't want to come nauuu. I have office things to attend to."
Lie. I didn't have any office anything.
"Vanessa, if I slap you !!! Get dressed my friend!"
That was Vicky, the most troublesome person I had ever met. I knew she could slap me so I just jejely put on some clothes. Threw on a short dress and some heels. Powdered my face and came out.
"Haaaayyyyyy girllllllllll you look gewwwdddddd."
I'm just like, "Don't piss me off. -_-"
Then we get in the car and leave for the club. I'm thinking suicidal thoughts all through because a club is the last place I want to be. With thirsty men drooling all over me. Gosh. We arrive and men are already ogling us from outside. I eye them the 'Eye of doom' and they look away. Once we get in, Sarah is already dancing and going crazy, I just go to one corner and sit. They don't try to make me dance or anything because they know how much it took me to come out in the first place. I'm just there, tweeting. Limpopo-ing on my seat. My friends had already started mingling. They were very attractive. Drawing all the attention to themselves with each belly whine. I was thinking of going to the bar to get something to drink when a voice pierced through my thoughts.
"Hey."
I looked to my right. And there sat the prettiest man I had ever seen. Okay not the prettiest, but really pretty. Lol. And his voice was all husky and nice.
"Yeah, hey."
I looked away. He was fine and all but nah.
"My name is Maxwell. What's your name ?"
Look, it was already hard to hear him over the music playing. And when he spoke, he smiled so it was hard to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth. His smile was gorgeous. I was so caught up in his smile that I didn't realize he had finished talking. So basically, I looked like an ode just looking at him. I snapped out of it and said, "Pardon ?"
He laughed and repeated, "My name is Maxwell. What's your name ?" I swear, the laugh made me forget my name for a second. Then I regained myself and said, "Oh, I'm Vanessa."
He smiled, I smiled back. There was something about him. I turned and searched with my eyes through the crowd for my friends. Apparently, they had been looking at Maxwell and I. They were doing mini happy dances and doing thumbs up. Lol. I shook my head and looked away. Maxwell got up and said he was leaving. He handed me his card and begged me to call him. He said he had to leave for some reason. I waved goodbye. He smiled and left. My friends rushed to me and were asking my questions. I couldn't even make out one question. They were talking at the same time and the music was really loud. Once the DJ played Tonto Dike's 'Hi', we looked at each other and made a bee line for the exit. Once we got in the car, the questions came at me.
"Who was that ?!??"
"He gave you his card. I saw it. Where is eeetttttt !!!??"
I brought out the card from my purse and handed it to Vicky. She stared at it. Her jaw dropped. Sarah snatched it from her and her eyes widened as well. I hadn't looked at it when he had given me so I was really puzzled. They looked at me, looked at each other and started screaming. I took the card and saw that he worked in an Oil company. So that was why. You see, I didn't understand these girls. They probably already planned our wedding in their heads. I just wanted to sleep. We got home, I ran to my room, jumped on my bed and slept. I didn't want to talk about anything, I was just exhausted.
Three days had passed and the girls had been begging me to call him. I didn't want to seem desperate so I wanted to wait one more day. They kept begging me to call him though, serious begging, so, I called him. He seemed happy to hear from me. He offered to take me to dinner that night and I agreed. By 8, I was ready. He came to pick me up and we went to L'etoile. When we got there, he held the door open for me, drew out my chair. Such a gentleman. :'( We spoke about everything, ranging from my work to the weather. Everything. We had similar interests. He liked football, so did I. I loved horror movies, so did he. Apparently, he'd just left his girlfriend as well and just like me, his friends dragged him to the club that day and he ran away and left them there. He was really witty. I enjoyed his company. At the end of the night, he drove me home. He walked me to my door, kissed me on my cheek and left. Guys, I wanted to laminate that cheek.
*************************
It had been 4 months. Maxwell and I made it official 3 months ago. I was happy with him. Falling in love with him with every passing day. He called me everyday and saw me every chance he got. Picked me up after work and took me to an eatery or a park or his home. I loved spending time with him. He made me really happy. It was friday and I had come to his home to spend a night. It was a thing between us, we spent every friday night together. Watching movies, doing nothing and loving it. We'd never made love before. We were taking it slow and I was okay with that. But I was pretty sure we were going to get it on that night. I don't know what gave him away, maybe the scented candles or the slow music playing. So subtle. :')
I was in the kitchen, getting a cup to drink water when he hugged me from behind. He buried his face in my neck and rendered soft kisses to them. I let out a moan. I turned around and looked straight in his eyes. We knew. I had dreamed of making love with him. Great dreams. And the time had finally come. He helped me take off my shirt and I helped him with his. We didn't want to mess them up. I ransacked the kitchen cabinets and found aprons. He brought out the pots, pans, measuring cups and spatulas. We started off with 2 spoons of tolerance. He took the spatula and waited for me to add the next ingredient just so he'd get to use the spatula. He was cute when he got excited. I brought out the bag of patience, took out 3 tablespoons from it and added to the pot. Maxwell got to use his spatula. Lol all giddy and all. I added 3 spoons of endurance, 2 tea spoons of imperfection and 5 spoons of support. I brought out the bags of care and consideration and he added 5 and 6 spoons of them, respectively. He said it wouldn't be a bad idea to add jealousy, I was sceptical but I allowed it. A pinch of jealousy. A really small pinch. I added 8 spoons of spontaneity and left him to mix them together. When he was done, he exhaled and looked at me. Something was still missing ... Lust !! He let me add it, I added about 5 spoons of lust, ran my eyes over his body and added 2 extra spoons. And with that we were done. A masterpiece. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. I loved him. A lot. And he seemed like he loved me too. And that night, we had made a perfect love. 

Now. You know how the world is quickly crashing and falling to its doom ? And there's people trying to put in effort one way or the other to try and save it ? I'm eating indomie. As I was eating my indomie, I remembered something someone said to me. "Keeping hair in your armpit is sexy." Brethren, that indomie is presently in the microwave. Waiting for whoever will/can eat it. The thought of hair there triggered my gag reflex. I won't be eating indomie for a while. I'm just going to tell you guys a couple ... Okay maybe more, of the things that irritate me in the opposite sex. And for the slow agbayas, I'm a female. So the opposte sex would be male since the opposite of something means th... Get out.

1. Keeping hair in your armpits : *sigh* I don't even blame guys for assuming such. Its girls that tell them, "Omg. That's so hot". No. Omg. You need to be checked into a psychiatric hospital asap. Wth ? Hot ? Giving a whole new meaning to the word 'hot'. Not funny. It is irritating. Disgusting. For the sake of humanity, pick up a shaving stick. Or hair-remover cream. Anyone. Please.

2. Using 'w' in place of 'r' or 'l'. : Pwiz, Pweeze, Cwazy, Sowwiee, Vewi. I am tired of talking. I assume it is meant to be adorable. Right ? Or cute ? Well, its not. It irritates me to the moon and back. I don't understand why a full grown man would tell me "Pweeze I'm sowwiee." What is wrong with you people ? I already find it somewhat repulsive when girls type like that not to talk less of guys. Please cease and desist from such. It is not funny. It is not cute. You seem like a retard with no teeth.

3. Being unnecessarily mean : This is my worst. Guys who are mean to people to seem funny or cool. Automatic repellent. I don't like mean people. Period.

4. Talking about their past conquests : Well. This is two in one. Soo ...

4a. Why are you insulting your ex ? What's the purpose ? If you have anything to say about her, say it to her. I don't understand why you'd tell me. Especially if its just insults, based on no truth, maybe you're just hurt that she broke up with you so you're lashing out. It's unattractive and immature. Can't help but wonder what you'd say about me when we go our seperate ways.

4b. "I hit that a long time ago." No, I don't want to know the girls you've slept with. Or how many times you get 'it'. If I don't ask, please, don't feel the need to stuff my brain with such information. I may feel the need to stuff your face with my fist. Thanks.

5. Referring to females as 'hoes' or 'bitches' : I find this extremely unattractive. I can count the number of males that can call me a 'bitch' on one hand. One finger actually. Because I am that comfortable around him. Otherwise, it is just disrespectful. You don't get to call me a whore or a bitch or a slut or a cunt or a hoe or any of that. Nope. For those that call all girls 'hoes', you'll never get any love from me. "Screw bitches get money!" , better sit yourself down and read your books or something. Oponu.

I could go on but that indomie is calling me. Bye. (._. )

Sophie.

I was 1, when my mother died. Or at least that's what I was told. Had no clue. Only seen her pictures, had no memory of her or her touch. Nothing. I was the only child, living with my father. We were best friends. He was my everything. My first love, my comforter, my provider. Everything. I was home-schooled. He said he wanted to protect me from the world. He made me believe everyone out there was out to hurt me. For years, he planted all these ideas into my head and with time, I believed nothing else but what he'd said to me. I had no friends, except him of course. I was 15 and I'd never had as little as a crush on anyone. He told me he was all I needed. I believed him. 

Each month, he walked into the house with a new female. I hated them all. There was no love in sharing. I hated the thought of having to share him with anyone. When I expressed my discontent, he simply said to me, "Don't worry my love, they're nothing. Toys, if you may, you're the only one I love." And with that, I would blush to the moon and back and mutter an "Okay." I still wasn't happy with it but I figured he just wanted some company. Angered me but whatever made him happy, made me happy too. 

Most nights, I went to bed in tears. No one knew why. No one could ever know why. However, that was about to change. I was in the kitchen making food for my birthday which was the following day. I was finally turning 18! Was excited. Reminiscing on my past years. They had gone by so fast. And as much as I hated to think about it, I said to myself, "How long will this go on ? I have barely even lived. How long will he continue to ..." stomping of feet interrupted my thoughts. I recognised my father's footsteps but he wasn't alone. I turned around and saw him with the prettiest lady I had ever seen in my life. And when she spoke, I was in awe. I fell in love with her that instant. And then, the jealousy kicked in and overshadowed any other thing I was feeling. She extended her hand for a handshake and said "Hi, I'm Sophie." I looked at the hand and walked away. She continued coming. For one month, I kept seeing her gorgeous face. I disliked her so much. And I had no problem showing it. What baffled me though was that, she was nothing but sweet to me. She repayed all my mean acts with nothing but kindness. I didn't know what to make of it! I'd been told all my life that people were nothing but wicked and here this woman was, trying to show me otherwise ??! She had to be a phony. Fake rubbish. I didn't like her one bit. 

One night, I was crying again. It was worse. Everything hurt. I wanted to run away into the world of wickedness I had been told about. It seemed better than what I was living in. Sophie had moved in with us. Imagine that. She walked into my room and saw me crying. She said she had heard my sobbing. I told her, "Leave me alone. You have no business here." She said, "No, you're wrong. I know." I looked at her unbelievably. "You know ?", I whispered. She nodded in agreement. I said with wide eyes, "For how long ??" She said, "A long time." I fell into her arms and cried some more. She rubbed my back and told me it was okay. I looked at her again and said with nothing but fear, "I don't know what to do. Help me." That was the first time I actually wanted anyone's help. The way she hugged me made me believe she could help me. And she replied me by saying, "You will be my final good deed." I didn't understand but I didn't care. This person I despised so much, knew. And she was going to help. 

The following day, I was awoken by vigorous knocking on the door. It was a struggle to separate my eyelids. My eyes were heavy from all the tears I had shed the previous night. The banging just got louder so I ran downstairs to rain curses on the person who had interrupted my sleep. I opened the door and saw two policemen. I stared at them with my swollen eyes filled with fury. They asked me, "Are you Alexis Smith ?" I replied, "Yes, I am." They looked at me with sympathy and said, "Your father was found dead this morning. Stabbed multipl..." Everything became dizzy. I was about to fall when they held me and stopped my fall. I was shocked. When ? What ? Who ? WHAT ?!? I started to cry. And stopped. I was confused. I didn't know if I was supposed to cry. This man had been my everything. And my nothing. I calmed down and asked. "What happened ?" They said he had been stabbed multiple times and the person who stabbed him had turned herself in. "Herself ?" I asked them. They said, "Yes, she is at the police station right now." I asked if I could go see her, they agreed. 

When I got there, sophia was sitting down, being questioned. She was drenched in blood. I couldn't believe my eyes. After a few minutes, she came to me. I asked her, "They're mistaken, right ? You didn't do it, right ???" She looked at me and smiled and said "I did." I wondered what was so amusing about it. She was definitely going to end up in prison and it bothered me. I had just begun to like her. I looked at her with questioning eyes and asked her," Why ?!" She reluctantly answered, "I had to. I couldn't sit and watch him ruin your life. I suffered a similar fate when I was younger. Mine was worse because my mother knew and she did absolutely nothing to stop it. She would bath me and call him to sexually abuse me. At the age of 16, I ran away from home. I became a prostitute because I had nowhere to go. No one would believe me, I didn't bother. I sold my body for money to eat to sustain myself. I slept with a different person each day. He ruined my life. Now I have AIDS and I'm going to die in 3 months. Give or take a week. I knew your father was doing the same to you. At least I suspected. The signs were glaring. Last night, when I saw him leaving your room and zipping up his jeans , I walked into your room and saw you in tears and I knew. Everything came rushing back. All the suppressed hurt and anger and hate I had for my father came rushing back and I told myself, I wouldn't let this happen again. Not if I could stop it. I had to do something. And quite frankly, I don't regret it. You seem like a good kid. With a bright future ahead of you, don't let what he has done ruin the rest of your life. I never got the chance to bear a child. I had so many abortions it ruined my womb. You're like my child. I feel responsible for you. Promise me you'll be okay ? Promise ?" I was crying so much I could hardly speak. This woman was like my angel. She lifted my face up so that our eyes were on the same level and said "You're a survivor." I said quickly, "No, you're my saviour." She said, "Hey! That rhymed!!" I laughed and hugged her then two policemen came to take her away. Before she left, I mouthed, "I promise".

It had been a month and a half, she had been sentenced to life imprisonment with no chance of parole. I visited her every chance I got. The prison guards knew me by my first name. I became very familiar with them. They seemed to like me. We would talk and talk and I would tell her about my school. I got into college. I would tell her about my friends and she would be so glad and overjoyed. We would write random poems together. She became my companion. I loved her. I visited her until she passed away. When she did, I cried but I was happy I ever got to know her. I owed this woman my life. She saved me. I owed her everything. And so here I am, sitting in front of my computer, willing to tell the world about her but not finding the words just yet. However, I'm determined. Everyone must know. So I begin to type, "I was 1 when my mother di..." 

Heyy! So in my previous post, i said i had never been heartbroken from relationships and i said i'd explain in my next post which is this one i am presently typing with a blurred vision and tired hands. I've been really sick lately :( But i'll be fine in no time. :)

Anyway, this is me trying to explain what i said i would. When people ask , 'Have you ever been heart broken?", and when i reply 'Yes' they never ask further questions. It's like people are programmed to think that you can only get heartbroken from a relationship and i dont know if thats right. Is that the only thing that can cause your heart to shatter? What of when the ones you love are ripped mercilessly away from you by death ? What of when you have literally no one because everyone who said they'd be there for you and your family, Lied. What of when everyone who said they were your friends, turn their backs on you when you need them the most ? What happens when you experience trhat kind of pain ? It cant be classified as heartbreak ? What happens when you cant find the way to your soul anymore because it's nothing but a blurred memory. When you doubt literally everything people say to you because you've learned one too many lessons about believing people.

I want people to understand that heartbreaks are not only caused by some stupid boy who decided to cheat on you with your best friend or one girl that decided to date you and some other dude at the same time because she thought you werent enough. Life is way deeper than that. Things go on everyday that break my heart. you would think i would have learned by now but ... Lol experiences have broken my heart. Ive lost people i love and it broke.. crippled ... destroyed me. People have disappointed me more times than one. And other things of the sort. So, instead of asking 'Have you been heartbroken', i'd like someone to ask 'What broke your heart?'.