Each time I think of you, i think of butterflies and i think of cocoons. Elaborate ? I will. You see, you were my cocoon. Or at least, you were supposed to be. My protector. Comforter. Shield me from the evil of the world. Yet, you were the very evil you were supposed to shield me from. You knew what you were. You were like sugar to a diabetic patient. A little of you was meant to be okay, but, no. You choked down all of the evil that you were into my very being. You refused to distance yourself, you wanted to explode. Out. Of. Me. I was beautiful with the potential to be so much more. You see, you tore me down. Left me picking up pieces of myself within yourself. As i built myself, you broke me. The cycle continued. The only thing that changed was perhaps that i got stronger with each build,with each break. I was the butterfly and you, the cocoon. I needed to break free, you wouldn't let me. I secreted my cocoonase which was meant to soften you, meant to liberate me from your shackles. I tried shutting you out, i let your hurtful words bounce off me and back to you. Then, they bounced right back to me. Like a boomerang. Never ending boomerang. I was alone.
    Each time i think of you, i find myself furrowing my eyebrows, pursing my lips, fighting back tears. Because you hurt me like no one else has. I tell people i've forgiven you, but it sounds like i am trying to convince them & myself. When you finally let me go, you let yourself go. Into the arms of death. I broke free from your shackles because they, the shackles, broke free from you. You held everything captive. Trying to turn me against myself. Never ending struggle. When the time had finally come for me to leave, i pondered staying behind. Because, some of that pain became addictive. It gave me an identity. A purpose. I woke up everyday with one word on my mind : Fight. I fought everyday, every single day. And there you were , trying to free me ? What to do with my freedom, i thought to myself. I remembered how you made me feel. Nugatory. Despicable. Without. Worth. And it was stupid really, because deep down, i had my dreams and aspirations. They laid untouched at the base of my soul like a beggar with leprosy. The ways people stand at a distance and throw alms at such a beggar was exactly the way i fed my dreams. I refused to get close to them so they wouldn't infect me. I didn't want you to see the me that i knew i could be. Because i knew you would try and tear that down too. For the record, you would have failed, but i was considerate enough to let your ego be.
    Each time i think of you, I want to hug you. In all the foulness that you were, you made me stronger. Yes, eat your heart out. Each night, you came crawling to me whispering faint I love yous. You successfully taught me everything love shouldn't be. Because when you love a person, you wipe their tears, you don't create them. You don't make that person feel bad for breathing. You liar. There's so much left to say but you make my brain hurt so i am done, for now. Just know, you were the cocoon to a butterfly that longed to get away from you. That butterfly is free now, basking in all the beauty that it is, in all the beauty that it is meant to be. You can't stop her anymore. 

3000 views.

Well, hello there. *spins dramatically in swirly chair.* Originally, this was meant to be some speech but ... nope. Ladies and Gentumen, we are gathered here today to talk about the fact that my blog finally has 3000 pageviews. Now, to some of my fellow bloggers, that seems very little. But it's a lot to me so jejely slide all the way to the left and keep your snide comments, if you have any. Thanks. Yes yes, as I was saying, 3000 views omgnisbfsbbhbfchsbc I kent biliv eet!
I just want to thank those that keep coming back here. Thankssssss. :D
I would say more but my brain hurts now. Bye. ^_^ 

100 Truths.

Hey people. Gonna be answering 100 questions today.

100 Truths
1. Last Drink : Some Pineapple drink.
2. Last Phone Call : David.
3. Last Text Message : Melissa.
4. Last song you listened to : Here It Comes - Emeli Sande
5. Last time you cried : Last week.

Six have you ever
6. Dated someone twice :  Yes.
7. Been Cheated On : Yes.
8. Kissed someone : Yes.
9. Lost someone special : Yes.
10. Been Depressed : Yes, i think.
11. Been drunk and threw up : Nope.

List four favourite colours
12. Gray.
13. Yellow.
14. Purple.
15. Pink, blue, green, red, orange, and black. ('-')

Have you ever
16. Made new friends : Yup.
17. Fallen out of love : Yup.
18. Laughed until you cried : Yup.
19. Met someone who changed you : There's nothing to change.
20. Found out who your true friends were : Uhh ... Yes.
21. Found out someone was talking about you : Yes.
22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list : List ? As in ?
23. How many people in your friend's list do you know in real life : Uh ... idk.
24. Do you have any pets : Nope.
25. Do you want to change your name : Nope.
26. What did you do for your last birthday : I wandered round Abuja with my boo. (boo at the time.)
27. What were you doing at midnight last night : Sleeping or reading a book, don't remember.
28. Name something you CANNOT wait for : Ah, there's too much.
29. Last time you saw your father : 2009.
30. What are you listening to right now : Big Parade - The Lumineers.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change : Not saying my final goodbyes to the people i've lost.
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom : Nope.
33. What's getting on your nerves right now : Nothing.
34. Most visited website : Twitter.
35. Current City : Abuja, Nigeria.
36. Nicknames : Vani, Van, Vano, Vanelza, Vane kunkun,
37. Relationship Status : Single.
38. Zodiac sign : I dont believe in this horse poopoo.
39. Male or Female or Transgendered : Female.
40. Primary School : Some school in Lagos.
41. Middle School : Some school in Abuja.
42. High School : Some school in Abuja.
43. Kissed someone and regretted it : Yup.
44. How many kids do you want : 3
45. Hair color : Black, grey and some red strands.
46. Long/Medium/Short : Shoulder Length, I think that's medium.
47. Height : 5'9"
48. Do you have a crush on someone : :)
49. Piercings : 3. 2 on one ear and 1 on the other.
50. Tattoos : None.
51. Righty or Lefty : Righty.

Firsts.
52. First surgery : I think I had a mini surgery when the snout of a kettle entered my leg. Left a really deep cut and they had to sew it.
53. First piercing : Sometime when I was little.
54. First best friend : Lmao I dont remember. (If you're the one and you're reading this, I love you. Come lemme buy you chicken b.)
55. First sport you joined : Football.
56. First pet : A Kitten.
57. First Vacation : Went to Enugu to chill with my grandma. Does that count ?
58. First Crush : Lol please I cannot remember.

Right now.
59. Eating : Nothing
60. Drinking : Nothing
61. Already missing : The EPL. Been missing it since, actually. Come back to me baby. :'(
62. I'm about to : Answer question 63.
63. Listening to : Lost Ones - J. Cole.
64. Thinking about : I'd need an extra sheet for this question.
65. I'm feeling : LIKE A BILLION DOLLARS YOOO!!!!! *Clears throat* I mean, like a billion dollars. (._. )

Your Future.
66. Want kids : Yup.
67. Want to get married : Yup.
68. Careers in mind : Plastic surgeon.

Which is better ?
69. Lips or eyes : Lips.
70. Hugs or Kisses : Hugs.
71. Shorter or Taller : You see, it doesn't really matter. Love will find a w... Taller please.
72. Older or Younger : Older.
73. Romantic or Spontaneous : Spontaneous.
74. Nice stomach or Nice arms : Don't care.
75. Kissed a stranger : Maybe.
76. Drank hard liquor : Yup.
77. Lost contacts/glasses : Nope.
78. Broken someone's heart : Yup.
79. Turned someone down : Yup.
80. Been arrested : Nope.
81. Cried when someone died : Yup.
82. Fallen for a friend : Yup.

Do you believe in. 
83. Santa Claus : Nope.
84. Yourself : YUP.
85. Love at first sight : Yup.
86. Heaven : Yup.
87. Angels : Yup.
88. God : Yup.
89. Kiss on the first date : Yup.
90. Luck. : Well ...

Answer truthfully.
91. Had more than one boyfriend at a time. : Nope.
92. Cheated on someone : Nope.
93. Did you sing today : Yup.
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go : Abraham Lincoln's time. Meet him and get to wear his hat. yup.
95. The moment you would choose to relive : They are a lot.
96. Are you afraid of falling in love : Nope.
97. Last time you lied : Don't remember.
98. Do you like animals : No. I love animals. 
99. Are you a good person. : I am.
100. What's the most horrible thing you've ever done : Cry happy tears when someone died.

Well, that's it. Lol. My back aches. Later guys.

...

"What's your favourite colour now ?", he asked.
I looked up at him and sighed. Where this was going, I knew.
I looked back down at my feet as they kicked the grass.
"Well, green, yellow, purple, gray, cream, white, black, blue too."
"Last time I asked you, you said yellow. And the time before that ..."
"... I said it was black. I know I know. I can explain. Or try."
Puzzled, he looked on and gestured, signalling me to start.
"You see when I was a kid ..." I said as I began to cry.
"...my favourite colour was purple. Because I was lost, conflicted,hurt..."
"...I had a darkness in me, but a lot of happiness too. Purple reflected me."
"...beautiful in the darkness that it is.", I picked up some dirt.
"...about a year later, my favourite colour became brown. Everything, tasteless. Okay, I seemed."
"...but on the inside, this dirt felt better than I did. I felt worthless & without purpose. The world wasn't my place to stay."
I carefully let the dirt slip from my hands and back unto the ground. Where it came from.
"...why I felt that way, you ask ? Well, that's another story for another day."
"Over the years, the colours changed according to how I changed. Went from feeling like diamonds, to crumbs."
"Yellow, for when I felt all bubbly and extra happy."
"Green and White for when I felt like the Nigerian flag."
"Blue, for when I felt at peace with myself. I found serenity."
"Gray, for when I felt neutral. Neither here nor there. What I felt, I couldn't quite tag."
"Now, I feel everything at once. I can't quite differentiate. I'm happy and I'm sad."
"You see, colours are a lot more than what they are meant to be, to me."
"I'm weird, I know." I smile sheepishly and move the hair from my face to the back of my ears. "You think I'm mad ?"
He smiles back and says, "No, I understand. You're a little crazy but you're beautiful still. Breathe."
"Cut!!", the director yells. "You guys pulled it off! Wonderful. Be here same time tomorrow."
"Ugh, finally." I mutter under my breath. We'd been trying to nail that scene for days.
"God knows I don't understand that script. So weird, right?" My co-actor says to me. I laugh, "Yup! Later. I've got to go."
And with that I leave, with my earphones in my ears, moonwalking to my car as Natasha Beddingfield's Unwritten plays.

'You are the worst person I have ever known!' I yell, scream, you do this to me. You and only you. You belittle me. Degrade me. Make me feel worthless. I tell myself I'm beautiful, one look from you and I believe I'm lying to myself. I go by each day hoping to never have to see you again. I've never wanted to kill somebody as I do you. You tell me silently, 'You're worthless, no one could ever love you.' I believe you. I am worthless. For the longest time, that is all I have known. I want to cut myself all the time. To feel a different kind of pain. Something to distract me from the emotional damage you have caused. I cut myself.
I cut, I remember your words, 'You ugly piece of shit. Nobody loves you.'
I cut myself deeper. Your words, 'Kill yourself alrea...'
As I continue to inflict physical pain on myself, your swords of words seem to fade away. They become blurry. I don't feel them as much. Then the wounds heal, the cuts, and I remember it all. I believe you. I am worthless. I have no purpose on this earth. If I killed myself, no one would notice. I had no friends. But, I couldn't bring myself to take my own life. I had tried. It just seemed like the impossible. I hated myself, I hated my life, but I couldn't end it.
'Kill yourself already', you say to me.
'I can't.'
'Yes you can.'
'No, I can't. I won't.'
The rage is building. I'm tired of you.
'You can. Do it already!!'
'NO!!'
I punch you. Maybe that'd send the message across. My hand breaks through the glass, I keep the broken mirror down. 

Lost One.

Its been years you passed but time hasn't made it easier,

Each time someone asks me about you, they re-open the blisters,

I'm stronger now, I dont cry on the spot anymore,

A little piece of me still breaks and out of me it tries to claw.

I push it back in tho, i dont want to be that person any longer,

But, once in a while I'm sucked back in there, the pain lingers.

My oceans of tears have become rivers and those rivers, ponds,

I've adapted to your absence and the fact that nothing can be done.

To be honest, it's still so surreal to me,

Each time I'm tortured into remembrance, i sit back in disbelief.

As i wrote this, i cried so hard because i reminded myself that you are never coming back,

But somehow, I'm okay. We'll miss you for as long as we can.

I know you're in a better place and to us you smile upon,

On this earth, your legacy i hope to carry on.

For now I'll just keep on surviving and try to remain sane,

You're gone, yes, but in my heart, forever and always you'll remain.

23 Questions.

1. Which is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you're telling he/she how you feel or looking into their eyes when he/she is telling you how they feel ?

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry ? Do you still feel the same way ?

3. You are on a plane. There is fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make just ONE phone call. Who do you call ? What do you tell them ?

4. You are at the doctor's office and he informs you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die ? What do you do with your remaining days ?

5. You can have one of the following things : Love or trust. Which do you pick ? Why ?

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you, if you are late once more, for whatever reason, you are fired. Do you take time to save the dog's life ? Why or why not ?

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most ?

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you and unfortunately you dont feel the same way. What do you (did you) do/say ?

9. Think of the last person you know that died. Perhaps, someone close to your heart. You are given the opportunity to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up 1 year of your life in return. Do you do it ? Why or why not ?

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend ?

11. Does Love = Sex ?

12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker is a single mother, has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company in her place ? Why or why not ?

13. When was the last time you told someone honestly how you felt regardless of how difficult it was to say ?  Are you still friends with the person ?

14. What would be (or what was) harder to tell the opposite sex, you love them or you dont love them back
?

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up ? Why would it be so hard to lose ?

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them ?

17. If there was one moment or time in this past year you could change, what would you change ?

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR ? Why or why not ?

19. You are holding on to your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn you dont know as they hangover the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save one. Who do you save ?

20. Are you old fashioned ?

21. When was the last time you did something nice for someone and did not expect anything back in return ?

22. Which would you choose , true love with the guarantee of a broken heart or no love at all ? Why ?

23. If you could live in just one year of your life, for the rest of your life, which year would it be ? Why?

24. You've been told you're going to die and you are all your little sister has. You're given a chance to live but at the expense of the life of your best friend. Do you take the chance ?

Please, drop your answers to any one of the questions in the comments section below. Have a lovely day. :)