You're dying. I'm sitting here amongst the remains of the frame that once held you in place. I'm a murderer. It all happened so fast. I was asleep and I did it. I rolled onto you and I ...I broke you. I forgot to place you on the dresser like I usually did. I'm sorry. I was supposed to love and protect you. Cherish you. I have failed you. I remember the first time I sighted you. I deplored. Groaned. "Ugh! It's too plain! I said I wanted leopard printed frames, what is this ?!". My mom pleaded with me to 'just manage'. Nigerians, pfft. I didn't want to just manage! I didn't want boring purple glasses. I gave her the silent treatment for an entire week. I planned to kill you. Intentionally. I laid out the ways I'd send you to an early grave. I contemplated 'mistakenly' stepping on you. Then I thought that'd be too obvious, so I thought I'd throw you inside a pot of okro soup. My elder brother caught me whilst I was about to carry out my rather foolish plan. I had to wash his clothes for an entire month to keep him from telling on me. I decided to beg God to take your life for me. After waiting for about 3 weeks, I concluded he didn't love me & moved on. I stopped trying to get rid of you.
    It took me exactly 3 months and 4 days to fall in love with you. You used to help me find my pen that I'd leave behind my ear and be looking for. Because you don't like to share your space. You helped me hide my tears, a lot of times. And for all the times you'd fall and not break, I say, Merci. Now, I sit here, waiting. I need you to pull yourself together for me. I need you. A voice in my head says I should tell someone. My mom, perhaps. That you're beyond saving. But no. I choose to ignore it. This superglue is going to have to perform a miracle tonight. Only then shall it be known as the top superglue in all of superglue kingdom.
    Please, live. I won't forget to keep you away from where I can crush you at night ever again. I don't want to listen to 'someone like you' by Adele and be able to relate to it. No! I need you to stay, for me. I'd be a better owner. I'd stop yanking you off vehimently like those spies whenever I want to be dramatic. I promise you'd be the only one to grace my face and I'd be the only one to view the world through your eyes. When people hit me with 'Hey! Can I try your glasses ?!', I will shake my head vigorously and render a resounding NO. I sit here in the midst of your remains. Pen and paper in one hand, writing this ...letter. I'm going to read it when you survive to remind myself of these promises I've made to you. Bible in the other, begging God to prove his love for me and save your life, this time. Superglue inches away from me. Giving it the 'don't fail me. You wanna be the top superglue or nah ?!' eye. I hear the clacking of my mother's heels. They're getting louder. I'm not sure I locked the doors. I've got a lot of explaining to do.

   Each time I think of you, i think of butterflies and i think of cocoons. Elaborate ? I will. You see, you were my cocoon. Or at least, you were supposed to be. My protector. Comforter. Shield me from the evil of the world. Yet, you were the very evil you were supposed to shield me from. You knew what you were. You were like sugar to a diabetic patient. A little of you was meant to be okay, but, no. You choked down all of the evil that you were into my very being. You refused to distance yourself, you wanted to explode. Out. Of. Me. I was beautiful with the potential to be so much more. You see, you tore me down. Left me picking up pieces of myself within yourself. As i built myself, you broke me. The cycle continued. The only thing that changed was perhaps that i got stronger with each build,with each break. I was the butterfly and you, the cocoon. I needed to break free, you wouldn't let me. I secreted my cocoonase which was meant to soften you, meant to liberate me from your shackles. I tried shutting you out, i let your hurtful words bounce off me and back to you. Then, they bounced right back to me. Like a boomerang. Never ending boomerang. I was alone.
    Each time i think of you, i find myself furrowing my eyebrows, pursing my lips, fighting back tears. Because you hurt me like no one else has. I tell people i've forgiven you, but it sounds like i am trying to convince them & myself. When you finally let me go, you let yourself go. Into the arms of death. I broke free from your shackles because they, the shackles, broke free from you. You held everything captive. Trying to turn me against myself. Never ending struggle. When the time had finally come for me to leave, i pondered staying behind. Because, some of that pain became addictive. It gave me an identity. A purpose. I woke up everyday with one word on my mind : Fight. I fought everyday, every single day. And there you were , trying to free me ? What to do with my freedom, i thought to myself. I remembered how you made me feel. Nugatory. Despicable. Without. Worth. And it was stupid really, because deep down, i had my dreams and aspirations. They laid untouched at the base of my soul like a beggar with leprosy. The ways people stand at a distance and throw alms at such a beggar was exactly the way i fed my dreams. I refused to get close to them so they wouldn't infect me. I didn't want you to see the me that i knew i could be. Because i knew you would try and tear that down too. For the record, you would have failed, but i was considerate enough to let your ego be.
    Each time i think of you, I want to hug you. In all the foulness that you were, you made me stronger. Yes, eat your heart out. Each night, you came crawling to me whispering faint I love yous. You successfully taught me everything love shouldn't be. Because when you love a person, you wipe their tears, you don't create them. You don't make that person feel bad for breathing. You liar. There's so much left to say but you make my brain hurt so i am done, for now. Just know, you were the cocoon to a butterfly that longed to get away from you. That butterfly is free now, basking in all the beauty that it is, in all the beauty that it is meant to be. You can't stop her anymore. 

3000 views.

Well, hello there. *spins dramatically in swirly chair.* Originally, this was meant to be some speech but ... nope. Ladies and Gentumen, we are gathered here today to talk about the fact that my blog finally has 3000 pageviews. Now, to some of my fellow bloggers, that seems very little. But it's a lot to me so jejely slide all the way to the left and keep your snide comments, if you have any. Thanks. Yes yes, as I was saying, 3000 views omgnisbfsbbhbfchsbc I kent biliv eet!
I just want to thank those that keep coming back here. Thankssssss. :D
I would say more but my brain hurts now. Bye. ^_^ 

100 Truths.

Hey people. Gonna be answering 100 questions today.

100 Truths
1. Last Drink : Some Pineapple drink.
2. Last Phone Call : David.
3. Last Text Message : Melissa.
4. Last song you listened to : Here It Comes - Emeli Sande
5. Last time you cried : Last week.

Six have you ever
6. Dated someone twice :  Yes.
7. Been Cheated On : Yes.
8. Kissed someone : Yes.
9. Lost someone special : Yes.
10. Been Depressed : Yes, i think.
11. Been drunk and threw up : Nope.

List four favourite colours
12. Gray.
13. Yellow.
14. Purple.
15. Pink, blue, green, red, orange, and black. ('-')

Have you ever
16. Made new friends : Yup.
17. Fallen out of love : Yup.
18. Laughed until you cried : Yup.
19. Met someone who changed you : There's nothing to change.
20. Found out who your true friends were : Uhh ... Yes.
21. Found out someone was talking about you : Yes.
22. Kissed anyone on your friend's list : List ? As in ?
23. How many people in your friend's list do you know in real life : Uh ... idk.
24. Do you have any pets : Nope.
25. Do you want to change your name : Nope.
26. What did you do for your last birthday : I wandered round Abuja with my boo. (boo at the time.)
27. What were you doing at midnight last night : Sleeping or reading a book, don't remember.
28. Name something you CANNOT wait for : Ah, there's too much.
29. Last time you saw your father : 2009.
30. What are you listening to right now : Big Parade - The Lumineers.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change : Not saying my final goodbyes to the people i've lost.
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom : Nope.
33. What's getting on your nerves right now : Nothing.
34. Most visited website : Twitter.
35. Current City : Abuja, Nigeria.
36. Nicknames : Vani, Van, Vano, Vanelza, Vane kunkun,
37. Relationship Status : Single.
38. Zodiac sign : I dont believe in this horse poopoo.
39. Male or Female or Transgendered : Female.
40. Primary School : Some school in Lagos.
41. Middle School : Some school in Abuja.
42. High School : Some school in Abuja.
43. Kissed someone and regretted it : Yup.
44. How many kids do you want : 3
45. Hair color : Black, grey and some red strands.
46. Long/Medium/Short : Shoulder Length, I think that's medium.
47. Height : 5'9"
48. Do you have a crush on someone : :)
49. Piercings : 3. 2 on one ear and 1 on the other.
50. Tattoos : None.
51. Righty or Lefty : Righty.

Firsts.
52. First surgery : I think I had a mini surgery when the snout of a kettle entered my leg. Left a really deep cut and they had to sew it.
53. First piercing : Sometime when I was little.
54. First best friend : Lmao I dont remember. (If you're the one and you're reading this, I love you. Come lemme buy you chicken b.)
55. First sport you joined : Football.
56. First pet : A Kitten.
57. First Vacation : Went to Enugu to chill with my grandma. Does that count ?
58. First Crush : Lol please I cannot remember.

Right now.
59. Eating : Nothing
60. Drinking : Nothing
61. Already missing : The EPL. Been missing it since, actually. Come back to me baby. :'(
62. I'm about to : Answer question 63.
63. Listening to : Lost Ones - J. Cole.
64. Thinking about : I'd need an extra sheet for this question.
65. I'm feeling : LIKE A BILLION DOLLARS YOOO!!!!! *Clears throat* I mean, like a billion dollars. (._. )

Your Future.
66. Want kids : Yup.
67. Want to get married : Yup.
68. Careers in mind : Plastic surgeon.

Which is better ?
69. Lips or eyes : Lips.
70. Hugs or Kisses : Hugs.
71. Shorter or Taller : You see, it doesn't really matter. Love will find a w... Taller please.
72. Older or Younger : Older.
73. Romantic or Spontaneous : Spontaneous.
74. Nice stomach or Nice arms : Don't care.
75. Kissed a stranger : Maybe.
76. Drank hard liquor : Yup.
77. Lost contacts/glasses : Nope.
78. Broken someone's heart : Yup.
79. Turned someone down : Yup.
80. Been arrested : Nope.
81. Cried when someone died : Yup.
82. Fallen for a friend : Yup.

Do you believe in. 
83. Santa Claus : Nope.
84. Yourself : YUP.
85. Love at first sight : Yup.
86. Heaven : Yup.
87. Angels : Yup.
88. God : Yup.
89. Kiss on the first date : Yup.
90. Luck. : Well ...

Answer truthfully.
91. Had more than one boyfriend at a time. : Nope.
92. Cheated on someone : Nope.
93. Did you sing today : Yup.
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go : Abraham Lincoln's time. Meet him and get to wear his hat. yup.
95. The moment you would choose to relive : They are a lot.
96. Are you afraid of falling in love : Nope.
97. Last time you lied : Don't remember.
98. Do you like animals : No. I love animals. 
99. Are you a good person. : I am.
100. What's the most horrible thing you've ever done : Cry happy tears when someone died.

Well, that's it. Lol. My back aches. Later guys.

...

"What's your favourite colour now ?", he asked.
I looked up at him and sighed. Where this was going, I knew.
I looked back down at my feet as they kicked the grass.
"Well, green, yellow, purple, gray, cream, white, black, blue too."
"Last time I asked you, you said yellow. And the time before that ..."
"... I said it was black. I know I know. I can explain. Or try."
Puzzled, he looked on and gestured, signalling me to start.
"You see when I was a kid ..." I said as I began to cry.
"...my favourite colour was purple. Because I was lost, conflicted,hurt..."
"...I had a darkness in me, but a lot of happiness too. Purple reflected me."
"...beautiful in the darkness that it is.", I picked up some dirt.
"...about a year later, my favourite colour became brown. Everything, tasteless. Okay, I seemed."
"...but on the inside, this dirt felt better than I did. I felt worthless & without purpose. The world wasn't my place to stay."
I carefully let the dirt slip from my hands and back unto the ground. Where it came from.
"...why I felt that way, you ask ? Well, that's another story for another day."
"Over the years, the colours changed according to how I changed. Went from feeling like diamonds, to crumbs."
"Yellow, for when I felt all bubbly and extra happy."
"Green and White for when I felt like the Nigerian flag."
"Blue, for when I felt at peace with myself. I found serenity."
"Gray, for when I felt neutral. Neither here nor there. What I felt, I couldn't quite tag."
"Now, I feel everything at once. I can't quite differentiate. I'm happy and I'm sad."
"You see, colours are a lot more than what they are meant to be, to me."
"I'm weird, I know." I smile sheepishly and move the hair from my face to the back of my ears. "You think I'm mad ?"
He smiles back and says, "No, I understand. You're a little crazy but you're beautiful still. Breathe."
"Cut!!", the director yells. "You guys pulled it off! Wonderful. Be here same time tomorrow."
"Ugh, finally." I mutter under my breath. We'd been trying to nail that scene for days.
"God knows I don't understand that script. So weird, right?" My co-actor says to me. I laugh, "Yup! Later. I've got to go."
And with that I leave, with my earphones in my ears, moonwalking to my car as Natasha Beddingfield's Unwritten plays.

'You are the worst person I have ever known!' I yell, scream, you do this to me. You and only you. You belittle me. Degrade me. Make me feel worthless. I tell myself I'm beautiful, one look from you and I believe I'm lying to myself. I go by each day hoping to never have to see you again. I've never wanted to kill somebody as I do you. You tell me silently, 'You're worthless, no one could ever love you.' I believe you. I am worthless. For the longest time, that is all I have known. I want to cut myself all the time. To feel a different kind of pain. Something to distract me from the emotional damage you have caused. I cut myself.
I cut, I remember your words, 'You ugly piece of shit. Nobody loves you.'
I cut myself deeper. Your words, 'Kill yourself alrea...'
As I continue to inflict physical pain on myself, your swords of words seem to fade away. They become blurry. I don't feel them as much. Then the wounds heal, the cuts, and I remember it all. I believe you. I am worthless. I have no purpose on this earth. If I killed myself, no one would notice. I had no friends. But, I couldn't bring myself to take my own life. I had tried. It just seemed like the impossible. I hated myself, I hated my life, but I couldn't end it.
'Kill yourself already', you say to me.
'I can't.'
'Yes you can.'
'No, I can't. I won't.'
The rage is building. I'm tired of you.
'You can. Do it already!!'
'NO!!'
I punch you. Maybe that'd send the message across. My hand breaks through the glass, I keep the broken mirror down. 

Lost One.

Its been years you passed but time hasn't made it easier,

Each time someone asks me about you, they re-open the blisters,

I'm stronger now, I dont cry on the spot anymore,

A little piece of me still breaks and out of me it tries to claw.

I push it back in tho, i dont want to be that person any longer,

But, once in a while I'm sucked back in there, the pain lingers.

My oceans of tears have become rivers and those rivers, ponds,

I've adapted to your absence and the fact that nothing can be done.

To be honest, it's still so surreal to me,

Each time I'm tortured into remembrance, i sit back in disbelief.

As i wrote this, i cried so hard because i reminded myself that you are never coming back,

But somehow, I'm okay. We'll miss you for as long as we can.

I know you're in a better place and to us you smile upon,

On this earth, your legacy i hope to carry on.

For now I'll just keep on surviving and try to remain sane,

You're gone, yes, but in my heart, forever and always you'll remain.